Everyone Billy Wilder Knows is Dead - Except Tony Curtis

Every major star that Billy Wilder has directed in his films is dead. Except Tony Curtis. And Kim Novak. And Shirley MacLaine.

Let's look at the evidence:

Buddy Buddy - Jack lemmon, Walter Matthau, Paula Prentiss - all dead
Fedora - William Holden, Jose Ferrer, Henry Fonda - all dead
The Front Page (1974) - Jack Lemmon, Walter Matthau - dead
Avanti - Jack Lemmon - dead
The Fortune Cookie _ Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau - dead
Kiss Me, Stupid - Dean Martin - dead
Irma la Douce - Jack Lemmon - dead
One, Two, Three - James Cagney - dead
The Apartment - Jack Lemmon, Fred MacMurray - dead
Some Like It Hot - Marilyn Monroe, Jack Lemmon, George Raft, Pat O'Brien - all dead
Witness for the Prosecution - Marlene Dietrich, Charles Laughton, Tyrone Power, Elsa Lanchester - all dead
Love in the Afternoon - Gary Cooper, Audrey Hepburn, Maurice Chevalier - all dead
The Spirit of St. Louis - Jimmy Stewart - dead
The Seven Year Itch - Marilyn Monroe - dead
Sabrina - Humphrey Bogart, Audrey Hepburn, William Holden - all dead
Stalag 17 - William Holden - dead
Ace In the Hole - Kirk Douglas - dead
Sunset Blvd. - William Holden, Gloria Swanson - both dead

The list of his films goes back and every major star is dead. EXCEPT FOR TONY CURTIS, KIM NOVAK AND SHIRLEY MACLAINE.

Clearly Tony, Kim and Shirley have the secret of eternal life. Vampires, perhaps. Hmmm...
Billy Wilder, genius as a writer and director and STONE KILLER OF MOVIE STARS.

Gabriel Shaffer Art Show Opening Tonight 9/12/08

Visionary artist and friend, Gabriel Shaffer's show If You Want Blood opens tonight at the Satellite Gallery right here in Asheville, NC.

Here's Gabe's website - http://gabrielshaffer.com/

and here's the Satellite Gallery, a great space and a prime showcase

http://www.thesatellitegallery.com/

And later today I'll learn how to post pictures and revisit this space and do so.

Football Sunday - NFL Week 1 late games

Arizona 23, San Francisco 13 - After losing to the Niners twice last year and not making the playoffs since the days of Conrad Dobler and Jim Hart (don't care if I'm wrong on this, there's no way I'm going to check, the Cards suck), the Cards won a game they had to. Matt Leinart, who couldn't beat out 97 year old Kurt Warner as the starting QB, is a USC Heisman winner who isn't even playing!!! But boy can he hot tub and beer bong!!! The Niners need to hire a GM who knows how to draft. All these years with great low picks in all the rounds and nothing to show???!!!
Cowboys 28, Browns 10 - And what are the experts looking at? They thought the Browns would be tough, they thought the Browns could win. The Browns have no defensive backs. They're lucky Dallas only scored 28. And Cleveland, the only team not named after a color and not named pixies or Brownies, BUT NAMED AFTER THE MAN WHO FOUNDED THEM!, will never get to the Super Bowl. NFL, AFC, doesn't matter, they ain't going. Oh, and the Cowboys would be the Dallas Murchisons if they were named after their founder. Change your name. And for that matter, why are the Browns' helmets ORANGE???!!!
Carolina 26, San Diego 24 - On the last play of the game, to their back-up tight end, Dante Rosario, who will be a star in this league, and on the road, without their best player and best receiver, Steve Smith, the Panthers did the job. Will somebody please tell me when they will fire Norv Turner? So what he once was on Jimmy Johnson's staff. So what he's got those track shoe scars on his neck. So what. He will never win and he will never win a Super Bowl. He won't even get there. Not as a Head Coach. Losing at home to a QB who hadn't played since game 3 or 4 of last year (not counting pre-season). Unbelievable. I say it is the curse of LT. I love LaDainian Tomlinson. He is a HOF back, surely. But he is not LT. LAWRENCE TAYLOR IS AND ALWAYS WILL BE. Perhaps if they call him LaDainian Tomlinson more they might get to the Big Dance. Otherwise, brings back Alworth, Lincoln and Ernie Ladd.

Football Sunday - NFL Week 1

And this is without Direct TV as I've got 100+ foot tall trees in my backyard which interfere with the southwestern exposure needed for satellite transmissions TO MY HOUSE. As they say, we can put a man on the moon but we can't develop a satellite dish that can receive transmissions through leaves and branches!!! On to the games:
Giants 16, Redskins 7 - we live-blogged this game and there's nothing left to say except Chris Samuels is a punk and Kiwi, hope you're healthy. Go Giants. Go Blue.
Baltimore 17, Cincinnati 10 - some people thought that since the ravens were starting a rookie QB, Joe Flacco, that the Bengals would win on the road. But the Ravens still play defense and Ocho Cinco can change his name all he likes - he is a loser and the Bengals, with those ugly, ugly helmets and an aversion to defense, will never be winners.
Jets 20, Dolphins 14 - Brett threw up a lob, a jump ball had it been thrown by Mendy Rudolph, a ball with more hang time than most punts, and since he had seen what Eli did in the Super Bowl, had to emulate and it came down in the arms of an open receiver for a touchdown!!! Not a pretty game but the Jets did enough and they were playing the Dolphins, 1-15 last year. Unlike the unsportsmanlike members of the '72 Dolphins, I break open a bottle of bubbly every time the Dolphins lose. C'mon, Miami, there's just so much champagne I can drink. And every time I hear an announcer call them the Fish I feel the creationists have won. Dolphins are not Fish. They are Mammals and very closely related to us. Even better - millions of years ago, they CHOSE to go back to the water. If only we can convince Republicans today to follow their lead.
New England 17, Chiefs 10 - Brady injured. World mourns. The announcers talked about how "dirty" a play it was. It was inadvertent and it wasn't late. Where were they when Chris Samuels attacked Kiwi from behind??? Nothing else to say. The World waits for news. Supermodels cry and eat an entire salad while they mourn, not thinking of the avoirdupois. But only of their Tom.
Steelers 38, Houston 17 - Twas ever thus. Willie Parker ran for 138, Ben stood tall and didn't ride the Harley, and unless Houston can get Elvin Bethea and Warren Moon and Billy White Shoes they're in for a long year.
Tennessee 17, Jacksonvillle 10 - the phony-baloney Super Bowl contenders from Florida lose a road game they should win. Nothing else to see here. Please go to your homes.
Atlanta 34, Detroit 21 - Ryan's a rookie, he can't possibly win his first game ever. Kitna loves Jesus, he'll get all the help he needs. Folks actually thought "this is a different Lions team". Yes, this is the 2008 version of a bad Lions team. Oh, and Mr. Kitna - Jesus doesn't care about football. He cares about love and peace and love thy neighbor and turn the other cheek and since you're making bank as an NFL QB, it will be easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for you, John Kitna, to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. Might consider easing up on the praying and more attention to the playing.
Bills 34, Seahawks 10 - Bills D is for real. Seattle will never win as long as you cannot tell from the televsion what color their jerseys are. Green? Blue? Greenish-bluish? WTF!!! Pick a color and stick with it. And with Wilford Brimley as your coach... a win in the Super Bowl is not gonna happen.
Saints 24, Bucs 20 - Hannah, Ike, whatever hurricane is coming next, doesn't matter. Saints have the juju even though Reggie Bush, who should be returning the Heisman any day now, is not a difference maker on an NFL field. The closest player I ever saw to Reggie in college was Johnnie Rodgers. Johnnie Rodgers of Nebraska was a touchdown machine in college, scoring from anywhere on the field. Amazing. And then he went to Canada (not to avoid the draft, btw, but to play their version of our version) and disappeared. Much like Bush in New Orleans.
Eagles 38, Rams 3 - Defenses hate to give up 3. A few yards further back they've got a shut-out. Eagles looked good but Rams stink. McNabb looked good. He'd better, he plays in the best division in football. And the Rams aren't in it.

Late games later.

The real McSame: A Real Maverick

Just checking the Websters this afternoon and here's their definition of maverick - an unbranded range animal, especially a calf that has become separated from its mother, traditionally considered the property of the first person who brands it. The Democrats and the Obama campaign should be hitting this hard. McSame says he's a maverick and people tend to believe it. But they're all looking at the second definition - one that refuses to abide by the dictates of or resists adherence to a group. Now we all know that this is mere fabrication. John McSame voted with George Bush over 90% of the time. That's not a maverick. He changed his positions on taxes and torture and pretty much everything else to adhere to strict Republican policy. Adherence to policy is not being a maverick. Resisting it is. But Democrats should look at the first definition. "TRADITIONALLY THE PROPERTY OF THE FIRST PERSON WHO BRANDS IT." That is John McSame. He has been branded by the ultra-right wing of the POW party. He has been branded by the fundamentalist theocrats who are the base and chose his highly unqualified VP running mate. He has been branded by the lobbyists who run his campaign. He has been branded by Karl Rove, Bush's puppetmaster who "advises" the campaign and calls the shots. Rove is a master proponent of the Big Lie, which makes perfect sense as the Big Lie is the famous propaganda technique defined by Rove mentor A. Hitler in his book Mein Kampf but spun by Nazi spinmeister Joseph Goebbels. Goebbels' take on the Big Lie is Rove's - "...lie big and stick to it. Keep up the lies even at the risk of looking ridiculous." Since the press rarely, if ever, calls McSame on his lies (He was a POW!, which is his get out of jail free card for everything) why not call him a maverick and insist that you use the original definition. McSame has been branded over and over and over - the flesh may not be burnt but the lack of empathy for the middle and working classes, the hatred of the poor, the acceptance of religious intolerance and anti-intellectualism, and the adherence to power and violence and military might as answers to complex global problems are SURELY BURNED INTO HIS SOUL.

Vicky, Cristina, Barcelona

Another reason to love Asheville - the Cinebarre. A movie theater where the seats are comfortable and recline; there's a counter for your drinks and food; and they bring you food - pizza, burgers, sandwiches, all cooked to order during the movie - right to your seat. I don't know which pizza I had, there were 7 to choose from, and yes, they were called the Magnificent Seven (btw one of my all-time favorite movies), I might've had the First Blood (extra tomato sauce and red peppers) or the Passion of the Christ (Jesus loved a little hummus and fig paste on his pizza. Yuppie, yummy and Yahwehlicious all at once).
Speaking of the Magnificent Seven, i love that Yul Brynner is the leader of the 7. We hear where they all came from to fight for the little Mexican village. One came down from Abilene, one had just killed the Johnson brothers and needed to lay low. But Brynner is never asked cause what would he say - "I had a run in with some Cossacks in Vladivostok and had to leave or the Tsarina would have me mounted. And I mean mounted, if you get my catherine the Great drift. Hey-O!" But its got Brynner and McQuuen and Bronson and Coburn with the knife and Robert Vaughn and Brad Dexter, the man who owed his career to the fact that he saved Sinatra from drowning on a movie shoot, and Horst Bucholz, an Austrian/German (same thing, ask Hitler) playing a young Mexican and they're all fighting Eli Wallach, a Jew from Brooklyn playing the Mexican bandito Calvera which almost means skeleton in Spanish. So... I was at Cinebarre to see the latest Woody Allen movie, Vicki Cristina Barcelona. Haven't really enjoyed any of his last, oh, 10 movies. But when he was on, like Annie Hall, Manhattan and Crimes and Misdemeanors on, he was in my Pantheon. And I loved this movie. Not for Scarlet J. She does nothing for me. She looks like a mouth-breather and her eyes are just a bit too vacant and bovine. Maybe that's acting but I don't think so. Loved her in Ghost World and now that she's a blonde with big tits I understand the appeal but as for acting chops, don't buy it. And not for Penelope Cruz although she is much more my idea of a woman - sensuous, gorgeous and a bit or a lot crazy. But so hot. No, I loved the movie because he makes Barcelona his new New York. I came home and immediately downloaded and printed out the passport renewal form. I have to go. I was there when I was 18 and I need to go now as an older man. I'll settle for meeting Penelope Cruz's mother! The movie is yet another indictment of bland American WASP culture as compared with the bohemian artistry of soulful, sexual Spanish artists and artistes with seemingly no money problems at all. There are never money problems in Woody movies. Everyone's always free to go to afternoon movies and afternoon bike rides and afternoon lunches that go on for hours. Painters keep great hours. I love movies that are indictments of bland American WASP culture. Easy target, I know, but angst and art and angina and culture are always ethnic and loud and sweaty. Jews and Spaniards (or Catalans) are the same, only the geography has changed. The father who won't publish his love poems because the world is an ugly place. If Javier Bardem says it, that's a deep, meaningful line. If Woody had said it it would have had a zetz, and a shpritz and a joke to top the punch. "My father won't publish his love poems. He says the world is too ugly for such beauty. Here, read this one. He calls it Ode to the Toothless Whore Who Saved Me." Bardem is perfect; you never expect him to kill the entire cast with the pneumatic stun gun from No Country. Cruz speaks Spanish like a native and has the best hair ever. And Patricia Clarkson has the market cornered on the WASPISH woman of a certain age who has ashes and wants love. And best of all, Woody went to Europe and left the movie with a real European ending. No one is happy at the end. That's real, that's life. If he had made this in America surely someone would have had a happy ending. We need to believe the fairy tale. We are children. But Europe raises adults. They can take real. They can take heartbreak. And keep living. Cannot wait to go back to Barcelona. Spain was a mighty country once. Then they kicked out their Jews and pretty much vanished from the world scene. It took a few years 1492-the destruction of the Armada but it happened. Now that the Jews are coming back in the person of Allen Konigsberg (Woody Allen), Spain is moving forward. I cannot wait to go.

McSame: "We have to catch up to History." WTF???!!!

As William Saroyan once wrote, seemingly about each and every speech at the GOP/POW party convention in the Twin Cities of Dishonesty and Despair, "No foundation, all the way down the line." No ideas, no thoughts, no actual substance. Nothing. I am angry. I am angry that after eight years of quasi-fascism by the worst President and Vice-President and administration (look up "kakistocracy") in our nation's history Obama is not up 60-40, 70-30, 80-20, in the polls. I am angry that the POW party thinks so little of the intelligence of the American people that they can nominate the supremely unqualified Sarah Palin to be one defibrillator away from the Oval Office SIMPLY BECAUSE SHE SHARES SOME SECONDARY SEX CHARACTERISTICS with an actual champion of women's rights, Hillary Clinton. I'm angry that it haas come to this. I'm worried that Republican thugs will make voting hard for some folks. I'm worried that the Diebold machines will drop far more Democratic votes than those for the POW candidate. I'm worried that minorities and young people, who tend to vote, WHEN THEY VOTE, overwhelmingly Democratic, will not get to the polls in record numbers and once again a mindless, worn-out, war-mongering, creationist tool will once again be the face of America. As they said in the great You Got Served episode of South Park, "It's on. Oh, it's on."